General nonsense.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Mon 30 Jan, 2017 12:49 am

When I was a kid I would suck petrol into a bike pump then set fire to it making a crude flamethrower.

It would go about two or three yards at best.

Enough to make me cool with my mates.

by **HindleA** » Sat 21 Jan, 2017 3:18 pm

Real name,Abigail ,of course.

by **HindleA** » Sat 21 Jan, 2017 3:16 pm

My mum,once inadvertently put her lighter in my school blazer.I became the go to person for the smoking brigade to get a light.A downside was the lighter had her name on it and I was called "Audrey" for the rest of the term.

by **adam** » Sat 21 Jan, 2017 2:58 pm

I once confiscated a lighter from a student in a lesson - I'm more of a 'one more chance' kind of teacher with non-disruptive stuff but he just wound't put it away - and at the end of the lesson I declined to give it back to him, partly to prove a point but largely because we'd had two fires in the previous month started by students (which is dreadful but sounds worse, it's the only (two) times such a thing has happened in my 17+ years there). He exploded in crossness, swore a lot, picked up a chair and threatened to throw it at me and generally was a bit peeved. Not sure how but I got us out into the corridor and someone else took him off. I saw him about fifteen minutes later and he greeted me with a very glum 'I'm very sorry sir' which was fine, I'd known him for five years and he was okay. 'What happened' I asked - "I'm going to be out for the rest of the week." Did they give you your lighter back? "No, but I went in the food room and lit my cigarette off the cooker so that's okay." I couldn't not laugh.

by **HindleA** » Sat 21 Jan, 2017 10:23 am

Ah,you mean electronic lighting device for cooker,mine ran out some time ago.I misread.Sorry for confusion.Thankfully,I push down on switch to ignite and enable gas flame availability.

by **HindleA** » Sat 21 Jan, 2017 10:20 am

Serves me right.Now using the cooker method by not following my own advice.

by **HindleA** » Fri 20 Jan, 2017 5:02 pm

Top tips.

1.Large box of household matches
2.Carry/have available at least two lighters.
3.Reliance on gas hob for lighting,can be combined with eyebrow designing and with practice a haircut.
4.When deciding where to live ensure close proximity to 24hr shop.

Hope that helps.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Fri 20 Jan, 2017 3:47 am

And then drugs make me not give a shit again.

Although the fact I'm lighting my spliffs with a cooker lighter is a bit weird.

But a natural conclusion to stopping smoking, the last naked flame I can muster. I must remember to buy some lighters.

The world may change tomorrow with a cunt in the Whitehouse but I'm going to fucking sleep through it.

Stay up all night, listen to a few tunes, go to bed about 5 or 6 then just sleep through it all. Get up in the evening and say...

YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! AH, DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Fri 20 Jan, 2017 3:15 am

Why?

We've seen how the world works now.

Being an inconsiderate arsehole blaming all your failures on other people is the way to go.

Decency was a fad, left wing brainwashing.

Any sign of empathy or even sympathy will get you sent to a re-education camp.

The days of caring are over.

And I'm not joking.

But thanks cJA.

by **citizenJA** » Mon 16 Jan, 2017 8:08 am

Sky'sGoneOut wrote:Who cares.

(cJA edit)

I do.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Mon 16 Jan, 2017 2:04 am

Sky'sGoneOut wrote:I don't know

This all seems like some wankers are trying it on.

Who cares.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Mon 16 Jan, 2017 1:36 am

I don't know

This all seems like some wankers are trying it on.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Wed 11 Jan, 2017 3:58 am

And now, with the aid of my preferred brand of cannabis, everything seems largely marvelous. I'm feeling pretty special.

There are problems in this world and I feel I can solve them.

Not right now of course.

Right now I have to listen to this....

[youtube]cg7ZNF-imNY[/youtube]

There's nothing like Welsh electro psychedelia to see one through until the morning.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Wed 11 Jan, 2017 3:13 am

Never take drugs kids.

Or suffer from mental illness.

Both can make life interesting, but both can also make life pretty fucking terrifying.

The problem is, once you've tasted them you can never go back.

You like to tell yourself you would. You like to say to yourself that tomorrow you'll click your fingers and you'll be fine.

But it's bollocks. And going to see someone who wraps up some hippy shit as 'wellness' is never going to help.

The lure of the weird is too strong. Seeing things differently makes you feel special, your mental illness is a gift.

Yes it might be fucking up your life in every conceivable way but it makes you feel unique, different to all those stupid normals.

With their stupid lives in their stupid houses going to their stupid jobs.

Fools!

Who would want that? Conformity? Not for me thanks.

I'd rather exist on the edge of society scrabbling about for what the state deigns to offer me as scraps as long as I can enjoy my own uniqueness.

Seriously though I bought some ridiculously strong skunk by mistake and it fucked me up that night above. It went in the bin the next day.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Thu 22 Dec, 2016 4:26 am

Sorry, I forget who I'm speaking to.

It's all scary, everything going weird.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Thu 22 Dec, 2016 3:56 am

I'm scared.

Terrified in fact.

When was the last time any of you tried to fuck someone?

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Thu 22 Dec, 2016 3:19 am

Well this is fun isn't it?

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Thu 22 Dec, 2016 3:17 am

[youtube]0WNbm1jz6A[/youtube]

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Thu 22 Dec, 2016 3:07 am

But now I'm stoned and everything seems silly.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Thu 22 Dec, 2016 3:00 am

I wanted to fart through the whole thing.

There's no way I'm farting while hot hippie chicks are aroound.

She was spectacular.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Thu 22 Dec, 2016 2:56 am

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Thu 22 Dec, 2016 2:06 am

[youtube]In my mug museum[/youtube]

by **HindleA** » Wed 21 Dec, 2016 7:23 pm

I started off as a serious child,think I am now making up for lost time and/or have a different perspective.

by **tinyclanger2** » Wed 21 Dec, 2016 5:03 pm

10 sounds advanced. My boss is 6.

by **HindleA** » Wed 21 Dec, 2016 1:52 am

Don't consume if on warfarin,a doctor writes.

by **citizenJA** » Mon 19 Dec, 2016 1:59 pm

Yorkshire Wensleydale & cranberries is one of my favourite cheeses.

by **HindleA** » Mon 19 Dec, 2016 2:10 am

Only being jocular ,reference to "old friend".I am coming up to 55,but about ten,in reality.(previous post appears to have disappeared)

Gets worried about "pictures".It was a "Sun",stitch up,they were doctored and only happened the once.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Mon 19 Dec, 2016 1:59 am

Come on Hindle I'm 45 fucking years old. Your not much older than me, I've seen the pictures.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Mon 19 Dec, 2016 12:50 am

Ah Hindle, my old friend, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. But do any of us know what the fuck we are doing? I would suggest not.

by **HindleA** » Mon 19 Dec, 2016 12:36 am

Don't know if it was "love" at first siight,but definately attraction,both sexually and personality,a fire in the belly,no messing honesty irrespective of whom she was dealing with,yet a sweet vulnerability and as funny as hell,my kind of gal.

Would suggest enjoy ever moment,26 years fucking flew by.

by **HindleA** » Mon 19 Dec, 2016 12:21 am

Women in my limited experience ie.one are very perceptive,maybe what you see as hidden and/or part of what you view as dickheadness,is the attraction,just a thought

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Sun 18 Dec, 2016 11:40 pm

I don't know, she's a proper person with a career and everything.

And she seems to think I'm not a dick.

You lot know me better, which is why I have to hide this kind of nonsense.

But for how long can I hide it? How long?

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Sun 18 Dec, 2016 11:00 pm

Ok right so I've managed to score. However freakishly nonsensical that may be I think I'd rather talk about cheese.

I had a couple of people around for wine and cheese this evening and I know a little organic cheese shop in Leeds that has served me well in the past when trying to impress people with cheese.

Anyway I bought this stuff with truffles in it. Cost me quite a lot. And it ended up tasting like bog standard cheddar infused with mushroom soup. It was horrible.

I've still got loads left and I think I'll put it out for the birds tomorrow. They don't seem to mind bad cheese.

by **citizenJA** » Sat 17 Dec, 2016 1:09 pm

Sky'sGoneOut wrote:So I've been on a date.

A woman has just driven from Hampshire to Leeds to meet yours truly.

And as far as I'm concerned it seemed to go quite well, I managed not to make a cunt of myself for a change at least.

She's a vegan though who doesn't drink which is somewhat concerning. But she did drive me home which was good.

Apologies for not responding sooner, Sky'sGoneOut.
She sounds wonderful, sincerely.

by **HindleA** » Sat 17 Dec, 2016 2:38 am

Good to hear.Wouldn't be concerned about tee totalism,we are not all that bad and you found out we do have our uses.It was a good job for instance I was sober on a trip to Dublin and over indulgence in Guiness for my weepy mum,increasingly annoyed by this dad,and a laughing about anything not keeping still in her wheelchair better half,trying to escort back to hotel without ending up in the Liffey.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Sat 17 Dec, 2016 2:17 am

Seriously though I spent last night with a woman who loves Farscape.

I never imagined such a thing possible.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Sat 17 Dec, 2016 2:07 am

I was just about prepared to give up, to go and live in a fucking cave before this woman showed up.

Thank you Tiny Clanger and Hindle for your best efforts.

by **tinyclanger2** » Sat 17 Dec, 2016 1:53 am

Excellent.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Sat 17 Dec, 2016 1:50 am

So I've been on a date.

A woman has just driven from Hampshire to Leeds to meet yours truly.

And as far as I'm concerned it seemed to go quite well, I managed not to make a cunt of myself for a change at least.

She's a vegan though who doesn't drink which is somewhat concerning. But she did drive me home which was good.

by **HindleA** » Mon 12 Dec, 2016 2:26 am

Have PM'd you.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Mon 12 Dec, 2016 2:19 am

Thanks all.

I wondered what the hell was going on when she was forgetting basic things like my name. Her GP told my Dad that it was a side effect of the medication she was taking for her underactive thyroid and so he went along with that until she forgot where she lived and had to ring him and ask.

I spoke to her today and she was completely fine, it's one of these infuriatingly variable things.

Crap.

by **tinyclanger2** » Sun 11 Dec, 2016 8:33 am

Sorry to hear that SGO.

by **AnatolyKasparov** » Fri 09 Dec, 2016 11:01 am

Yep, that is rubbish news. Go and see her whilst you still can.

by **HindleA** » Fri 09 Dec, 2016 3:41 am

Sorry for late reply,I was posting crap to myself whilst waiting for the by election result.

Very sorry to hear that.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Fri 09 Dec, 2016 2:48 am

Aaaah fuck.

I found out today my Mum has Alzheimer's.

She'd been being a bit weird and forgetful for a while but this last year she has been forgetting stuff so often my Dad took her to see a psychiatric nurse today (Scottish border town, best you can get) and it's pretty much confirmed.

I rang home today and she forgot who I was twice in the space of 10 minutes.

I haven't been back home for Christmas for nigh on 10 years but I guess it's time before she's gone.

by **tinyclanger2** » Mon 05 Dec, 2016 6:34 pm

Sky'sGoneOut wrote:Ok let's work this out.

The negative aspects of having a girlfriend.

1: Not being able to do what the fuck I like anymore.
2: Having to wash.
3: Having to pretend I like shit I don't actually like.
4: Being nice when I don't feel like being nice.
5: Not being given time to indulge in my intellectual pursuits.
6: Not being able to masturbate whenever I feel that alarmingly less urgent urge.

The positive aspects of having a girlfriend.

1: Sex.
2: That's pretty much it.
3: We do this shit for sex, it's how we're made, the selfish gene and all that. I've been to Dawkin's house you know. My ex was going to write a book with his wife. Lalla Ward who ran about with Tom Baker as a Doctor Who assistant in the seventies. She even briefly married him as well as far as I remember. Anyway Dawkins was away but I did get to meet Lalla who had been in many of my youthful masturbation fantasies and how many of you can say that?

I didn't mention that to her of course.

The other negative, of course, is that you neglected to pay tribute to the stoic trio of Clangers who'd dressed in purple brocade in your honour.
However, we do understand.

by **HindleA** » Mon 05 Dec, 2016 3:38 am

Suggest you incorporate 2,5,6 of the cons into 1.of the pros

Happy to help.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Mon 05 Dec, 2016 2:10 am

Just to say I understand that most of you weren't in my youthful masturbation fantasies. That was a poorly phrased sentence.

Some of you were though.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Mon 05 Dec, 2016 1:52 am

Ok let's work this out.

The negative aspects of having a girlfriend.

1: Not being able to do what the fuck I like anymore.
2: Having to wash.
3: Having to pretend I like shit I don't actually like.
4: Being nice when I don't feel like being nice.
5: Not being given time to indulge in my intellectual pursuits.
6: Not being able to masturbate whenever I feel that alarmingly less urgent urge.

The positive aspects of having a girlfriend.

1: Sex.
2: That's pretty much it.
3: We do this shit for sex, it's how we're made, the selfish gene and all that. I've been to Dawkin's house you know. My ex was going to write a book with his wife. Lalla Ward who ran about with Tom Baker as a Doctor Who assistant in the seventies. She even briefly married him as well as far as I remember. Anyway Dawkins was away but I did get to meet Lalla who had been in many of my youthful masturbation fantasies and how many of you can say that?

I didn't mention that to her of course.

by **Sky'sGoneOut** » Fri 02 Dec, 2016 3:11 am

[youtube]qTFi1_580iU[/youtube]

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