Friday 4th December 2015

yahyah · Post by **yahyah** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 5:51 pm

Good to see a bit of daftness around these parts again.

HindleA · Post by **HindleA** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 5:52 pm

What does a clock do when it is hungry ?
It goes back four seconds.

I don't like Russian Dolls
They are too full of themselves.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photobooth
One day my prints will come

HindleA · Post by **HindleA** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 5:55 pm

Ohsocynical-what we are basically suggesting is start the process of claiming now,forms,gathering evidence,advice etc.

yahyah · Post by **yahyah** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 5:56 pm

Weather's been awful here.

Neighbour's land ditches blocked and a mini torrent has gouged out the lane down the hill.
Lampeter Co-Op car park was partly submerged.
We had to rush round, they had pumps working to try and keep the water down but the Teifi broke its banks higher up while we were shopping.

Hope everyone else is ok.

yahyah · Post by **yahyah** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 5:57 pm

What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft & wet ?

A teabag.

ohsocynical · Post by **ohsocynical** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 5:58 pm

HindleA wrote:Ohsocynical-what we are basically suggesting is start the process of claiming now,forms,gathering evidence,advice etc.

I promise I will.

PorFavor · Post by **PorFavor** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 5:59 pm

yahyah wrote:Weather's been awful here.

Neighbour's land ditches blocked and a mini torrent has gouged out the lane down the hill.
Lampeter Co-Op car park was partly submerged.
We had to rush round, they had pumps working to try and keep the water down but the Teifi broke its banks higher up while we were shopping.

Hope everyone else is ok.

Where's the punchline? I want my money back! Boo! Get Off!

(Hope things are ok where you are now.)

55DegreesNorth · Post by **55DegreesNorth** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:00 pm

An atom ran into a bar shouting "Help, help, I've lost an electron".
"Are you sure", asked the barman?
"Yes, I'm positive".

yahyah · Post by **yahyah** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:01 pm

Peter Jukes ‏@peterjukes 59m59 minutes ago
"EXCLUSIVE-“Worse than Militant”- The Gang of Four caught in Tory Bullying Allegations, with Freemasonry links" https://www.byline.com/project/30/article/645" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; …

Peter Jukes ‏@peterjukes 51m51 minutes ago
ADDENDUM: According to a good Tory source, Clarke claimed he could offer internships at CCHQ and 'Fox News'

yahyah · Post by **yahyah** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:04 pm

PorFavor wrote:
yahyah wrote:Weather's been awful here.

Neighbour's land ditches blocked and a mini torrent has gouged out the lane down the hill.
Lampeter Co-Op car park was partly submerged.
We had to rush round, they had pumps working to try and keep the water down but the Teifi broke its banks higher up while we were shopping.

Hope everyone else is ok.
Where's the punchline? I want my money back! Boo! Get Off!

(Hope things are ok where you are now.)

Its the way I tell them

yahyah · Post by **yahyah** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:06 pm

I put an apostrophe in there, I swear I did.

rebeccariots2 · Post by **rebeccariots2** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:06 pm

yahyah wrote:Weather's been awful here.

Neighbour's land ditches blocked and a mini torrent has gouged out the lane down the hill.
Lampeter Co-Op car park was partly submerged.
We had to rush round, they had pumps working to try and keep the water down but the Teifi broke its banks higher up while we were shopping.

Hope everyone else is ok.

We had a very hair raising drive back from Carmarthen station last night. I was shouting at Mr Riots to slow down because of the deep pools of water across the roads in places where we'd least expect them. Hit those too fast (which we did several times) and it's very scary when you can't see anything as you are engulfed in water and the wheels don't work as they should. When we got to Cenarth the bridge was under water - lots of it - with tape across the road and police telling us we had to take an alternative route. We've never seen that bridge under water before - in a lot of years. The diversion took us about an extra 45 minutes. We need the reverse of a rain dance here. We need a dry dance.

HindleA · Post by **HindleA** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:07 pm

I miss my umbilical cord
I grew attached to it.

Doctor:You will have to stop playing with yourself
Patient:Why?
Doctor:I am trying to examine you

Parallel lines have so much in common
It is a shame they are never going to meet.

rebeccariots2 · Post by **rebeccariots2** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:10 pm

Matt Chorley Retweeted
Stephen Doughty ‏@SDoughtyMP 8h8 hours ago
Very glad to see UKIP defeated so totally + comprehensively in #Oldham - I still haven't forgotten my opponent... http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/po ... 40230.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; …

Neither have I. Let's hope he's not featuring in the coming Assembly elections.

PorFavor · Post by **PorFavor** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:11 pm

yahyah wrote:I put an apostrophe in there, I swear I did.

Ha!

HindleA · Post by **HindleA** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:12 pm

It is often stated I should be on the stage..........sweeping it.

yahyah · Post by **yahyah** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:14 pm

Don't suppose the press & BBC have noticed yet that the Tory vote in Oldham collapsed ?

No, didn't think they would.

HindleA · Post by **HindleA** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:17 pm

"squeeze"

frightful_oik · Post by **frightful_oik** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:21 pm

One for the east midlanders:
Man goes to the vet.
Man: my cat's unwell
Vet: is it a Tom?
Man: no, I've brought it with me.

55DegreesNorth · Post by **55DegreesNorth** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:23 pm

Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.

PorFavor · Post by **PorFavor** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:26 pm

This is why this is great place to be. Pure class and sophistication. Keep 'em coming!

rebeccariots2 · Post by **rebeccariots2** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:28 pm

Karl Turner MP ‏@KarlTurnerMP 7m7 minutes ago
Is @Nigel_Farage actually saying that if British Asian people mainly prefer to vote @UKLabour it is "bent" and election fraud?

I believe that's the gist of it.

Can't think why they might prefer to do so .... hmmm. If only Ukip could figure that out.

danesclose · Post by **danesclose** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:28 pm

A Higgs boson goes into a church
"Get out," says the priest
"No - you can't have mass without me"

yahyah · Post by **yahyah** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:29 pm

Suspect a lot of Christmas crackers have been pulled early and the jokes pinched.

But if feels good to have a bit of silliness, the last few months have been rather difficult to say the least.

yahyah · Post by **yahyah** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:31 pm

Nigel Farage

That's a real cracker.

rebeccariots2 · Post by **rebeccariots2** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:33 pm

I'm only going to thank the highbrow jokes though. Wouldn't want to lose my serious standing.

Post by **refitman** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:39 pm

What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naa

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:39 pm

I am sorry,but this,childish though it is,is my favourite joke.My son told me it when he was 8.

Where does a cow go on holiday?

Moo York.

rebeccariots2 · Post by **rebeccariots2** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:41 pm

David Harewood ‏@DavidHarewood 26m26 minutes ago
I AM NOT LENNY HENRY.#itvnews

Nice one. The ITV 'mistake' was truly cringe making wasn't it.

HindleA · Post by **HindleA** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:44 pm

What is the fastest cake in the World?

S...........................................................................................................................................cone

HindleA · Post by **HindleA** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:47 pm

Past,present and future walked into a bar
It was very tense.

rebeccariots2 · Post by **rebeccariots2** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 6:47 pm

Ian McMillan ‏@IMcMillan 47m47 minutes ago
Large catapults and crash helmets are being rushed to either end of the Forth Road Bridge.

PorFavor · Post by **PorFavor** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:05 pm

My mother made me an introvert.

If I buy her the wool, will she make me one?

HindleA · Post by **HindleA** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:11 pm

http://www.disabilitynewsservice.com/ei ... -question/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Eight days after spending review, ministers still cannot answer ILF funding question

martinson · Post by **martinson** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:19 pm

Good early evening. A cultured start from me.
Tarquin: What shall we do tonight, dawlink?
Fenella: Shall we go to the theater?
Tarquin: What about Troilus and Cressida?
Fenella: Oh we'll get a baby sitter!

HindleA · Post by **HindleA** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:24 pm

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/201 ... are_btn_tw" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Father of Elliott Johnson believes son was intimidated by head of inquiry
Simon Mort was appointed by Lord Feldman to head the Conservative’s internal investigation into the death of the young activist in September

martinson · Post by **martinson** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:24 pm

I was always a fan of I'm sorry I haven't a clue and this one sticks for some reason;
A late arrival at the Naturists' Ball, please welcome,
Mr and Mrs Gleebits and their son Dan Gleebits

55DegreesNorth · Post by **55DegreesNorth** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:24 pm

A man and his giraffe went into a bar and started downing pints. After a few crates, the giraffe keeled over on the carpet. The man turned to leave and the barman said "hoy, you can't leave that lying there".
"It's a giraffe", he replied.

ohsocynical · Post by **ohsocynical** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:27 pm

Jeremy Corbyn MP ‏@jeremycorbyn 47 mins47 minutes ago

At Finsbury Park Mosque vigil, following attack, to unite against Islamaphobia, anti-semitism & all forms of racism

It's good and right that he's attended, but shouldn't we be seeing more of the dickheads that run the country attending this sort of thing?

martinson · Post by **martinson** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:33 pm

My final attempt at some humour, it tickled me anyway. This is probably as good an example of the laziness of modern journalism that you will find anywhere.
A headline in an Australian Newspaper;

'30000 pigs floating down the Dawson River near Baralaba'

In fact there were 30 sows and pigs! Imagine 30000! What about a test of reasonableness?

rebeccariots2 · Post by **rebeccariots2** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:33 pm

Jonathan Walker ‏@jonwalker121 13m13 minutes ago
Former Respect Leader @salmayaqoob applies to join Labour - constituency party says 'no' http://www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/mi ... n-10551636" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; …

Now that's a shame. I can't believe that she would apply to join if she didn't really feel she could commit to fully working on behalf of the party.

ephemerid · Post by **ephemerid** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:34 pm

RobertSnozers wrote:Jesus loves me, but I only like him so it can get a bit awkward

Jesus loves you - but I'm his favourite.....

Little girl and little boy in the bath.
Little boy points to his willy and says "I've got one of these - I bet you haven't"
Little girl points to her bits and says "Huh, with one of these I can get as many of those as I want"

(Told to me by my daughter, aged 9)

Keep 'em coming, guys - this is cheering me up no end.....

Man in supermarket sees pretty lady waving at him across the aisle.
Him - "Do I know you?"
Her - "I think you're the father of one of my boys"
Him - "OMG! Are you that woman I bonked on my stag night when drunk watched by my pals whilst being whipped with wet celery?"
Her - "No. I'm your son's teacher"

Whoops....

ephemerid · Post by **ephemerid** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:44 pm

Surprise surprise......

Nicholas Anagram has a piece at the G entitled "Syria row: No 10 admits '70,000 fighters' figure made up of disparate groups".

They could have trimmed that title to "........made up".

No comments allowed.

Twunts.

ohsocynical · Post by **ohsocynical** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:50 pm

This Is The Most Insane Thing You Have Ever Seen on Live TV. Seriously. What The Actual F***?

http://www.dailywire.com/news/1608/most ... #pq=y4Fft2

There are still times I'm glad I'm living in England.

PorFavor · Post by **PorFavor** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:50 pm

I think Lynne Truss should write a sequel and dedicate it to David Cameron in honour of his latest triumph. She could call it "Cheats, Shoots and Leaves Syria in an Even Worse State".

ohsocynical · Post by **ohsocynical** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:54 pm

This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb f*ck, a c*nt, and a bunch of other names. The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer. Even from in there, he hears him cussing him out. Then the parrot falls silent. The guy thinks Ohh shit I killed him. He opens the freezer. The parrot hops out saying, " Very sorry for how I spoke to you, sir. I just have one question... What did the chicken do?"

seeingclearly · Post by **seeingclearly** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:59 pm

rebeccariots2 wrote:
Jonathan Walker ‏@jonwalker121 13m13 minutes ago
Former Respect Leader @salmayaqoob applies to join Labour - constituency party says 'no' http://www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/mi ... n-10551636" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; …
Now that's a shame. I can't believe that she would apply to join if she didn't really feel she could commit to fully working on behalf of the party.

I really like Salma Yacoub, she is lovely, but there is a move to get her into Labour and for her to contest the seat held by my MP Roger Godsiff, who is a grumpy old labour stalwart. He does speak out in the important debates, and has voted the way I'd want him to on about 99% of issues, it has been a rare tactical vote where he didn't meet expectations. He is great with disadvantaged people of all kinds and runs a good surgery. Good on keeping in touch and responding too. So it is a real conflict for me, because I like them both, but I can't see the point in replacing a good tried person with a good untried person. She deserves a good political 'home', but with the respect thing in her background I can see why she has had the response she has had. As to the dynamics of the people who decided this, I have no idea what pulls their strings. We have got a good raft of Labour MPs here, so perhaps there simply are no other seats she would be suitable for, as a hijab wearing woman there are certainly seats here where she would be lucky to even get nominated, let alone lose a deposit. It is sad though because she has all the right attributes otherwise.

----------------
Edited to add: I don't really understand the interplay at local level of council representation and national representation. Not sure if I am making myself clear, what I mean is how those in the arious local ward
parties play into the constituency parties and how that affects decision making.

I would love to know how this should work, because as I mentioned recently a plausible but alleged nasty person has recently hopped onto the Labour wagon, is an inveterate attention getter, self promoter. Has an alleged MO of preying on vulnerable people of the opposite sex, now allegedly firmly attached to one of the key party members. Very worrying. So the picture for this specific area could be more complicated than the article assumes.

HindleA · Post by **HindleA** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 7:59 pm

Interesting case of whether ISA named account holder,necessarilly having that income counted in calculations for means tested benefits(ESA(I) in this case.Claimant opened it up in his name,for his daughter,to protect it from her unreliable partner and has no beneficiary interest.

http://www.bailii.org/uk/cases/UKUT/AAC/2015/611.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

ohsocynical · Post by **ohsocynical** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 8:03 pm

A senior US executive decided to offload millions of dollars-worth of stock in his own company, just two weeks after it began delivering the controversial UK government contract to assess disabled people’s fitness for work.

Maximus took over the £595 million contract to provide hundreds of thousands of work capability assessments every year from the much-criticised outsourcing giant Atos on 2 March, but had been already working alongside Atos on the contract for several months.

And just two weeks after taking over the contract, on 17 March, Maximus president Bruce Caswell submitted plans to sell 120,000 shares in the company over the next few months.
There is no suggestion of any wrongdoing on the part of Caswell or Maximus, and the process is entirely legal according to US law, while Caswell is believed to continue to hold a substantial shareholding in Maximus.
Maximus has made it clear that the timing of the sale was a “coincidence” but it is still likely to be an embarrassment to government ministers in the UK who had hoped the company would improve on the performance of Atos, which became a focus for angry protests after the tests were introduced in 2008 by the last Labour government.

http://www.disabilitynewsservice.com/ma ... t-for-dwp/

Whooo - talk about take the money and run.

Post by **PaulfromYorkshire** » Fri 04 Dec, 2015 8:05 pm

Not a joke as such, but I've always loved this